Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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