I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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