I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need to calm my uterus...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
