Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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