Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
