I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
