I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
