My liver just broke up with me...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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