there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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