then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
