Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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