Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize