cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
