in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
