I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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