The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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