After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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