Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
