can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
