My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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