I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
