I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
