I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
