I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
