I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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