so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize