I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
