at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
