I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Randomize
