just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
