are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
