shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
