I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
