An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
