I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
