I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
