In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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