Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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