All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
