Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
