I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
