dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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