p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
