Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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