Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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