There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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