Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
