Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
