you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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