oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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