I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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