he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
