Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
