What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
