I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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